Here’s a true story — Don and Judy were college sweethearts back in the late ’60s. One night, Judy summoned the nerve to let Don see her naked — above the waist. “You have the most beautiful shoulders,” Don murmured reverently. They’ve been married for about 40 years, and Judy still tells this story at dinner parties. “My tits!” she shrieks. “He didn’t mention my tits!”
I am convinced Don was doing exactly what 90 percent of men do when they see a woman naked or even, as in this case, half-naked: He was trying to disguise his abject, weeping gratitude. Here, I promise you, is what really flashed through Don’s brain: “My God, I’m seeing tits! Real ones! Should I mention them? No! She’ll think it’s all about tits. Or what if she hasn’t noticed they’re showing? If I mention them, she might cover them up. How can I prove I’m above dwelling on tits? I’ll compliment her shoulders!”
This was the deep thinking of a horny 18-year-old. Don is now a fortyish lawyer, so if that scene took place today, he would no doubt have a much more sophisticated reaction: “Aureoles! My God, I’m seeing aureoles…”
I tell this story as a prelude to pointing out two contradictions in the question, “What he thinks the first time he sees you naked.”
First, that “he thinks.” The philosopher John Locke argued that the newborn brain is a blank slate. A guy looking at a naked woman is pretty much in that state too. I mean, don’t expect him to be capable of explaining supply-side economics; or even where the john is.
Second, that “he sees.” If you’re having any fun at all, he’s unhooking this, nibbling on that, and wondering if it’s time to bring out Mr. Happy. So barring a surprise along the lines of The Crying Game, a major inspection will probably have to wait.
In any case, it simply isn’t true that men, brainwashed by Playboy, expect the women in their lives to have 38-inch busts, tiny waists, and pubic hair like the green on a par four. So stop thinking of your body as a collection of flaws to apologize for.
Measurements become moot if you act confident, enthusiastic, and show both verbally and physically that he turns you on. These are more important to most men than anatomical refinements.
But if you still feel you must take the pressure off, here are three suggestions:
1. Never display full frontal nudity for the first time under 150-watt bulbs. As the Bible says, it is better to light a single candle than to turn on an overhead light.
2. Jump into bed in a black bra and panties. Let him decide when they come off.
3. Suddenly appear in the nude. You’re about to slip a video into the VCR or bring out the salad course. You just happen to be naked. This would work for me — and about 99 percent of the male population. Provided you have great shoulders.